Mary Kay's word of encouragement

Mary Kay, of Seattle, is pressing on ever-deeper into the battles that face all of us in our walk with Jesus. Her testimony is a bit long, but is absolutely appropriate, especially at this season of the year. Read and be blessed, and challenged, perhaps, as was I.

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March 12, 2009
Lord God, my loving Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ your son and by the power and working and glory of YOUR HOLY SPIRIT!

Oh, Praise You Lord! Let my soul magnify your glory....you are worthy of all praise and adoration!

I come on my face before you in thankfulness! How great you are to stoop to me and come alongside and walk with me in my unfaithful humanness! I come in deep need of your healing touch, your boundless love and unending mercy.

I have needed to praise you from a heart overflowing with deep satisfaction that can only come from you. You have been busy preparing my heart to receive your gracious touch and deep truths....how you go before me in such sweet knowing steps. You are graciously and generously detailed in your love efforts to woo me. You tenderly prepare me to hear from you. Thank you with all my heart, Father God. It is in your son's name, Jesus, that I come to you.....

I write this testimony as a witness to myself that I can be encouraged and refreshed by in the days ahead....You exhort me to recall your wondrous love and grace as I walk with you as your daughter, your servant, your minister of reconciliation on earth. You refresh my heart with your living self....You are the living water....we cannot live without water....we either drink or die of thirst.

Dry ....dry and dusty and parched. A MEAGERLY HEART! I didn't realized until just lately, how dry, dusty and meagerly my heart was becoming! The routine of daily life, chores to be done, work responsibilities...ministry that I desire to do! All "good" parts of life! All are blessings and divine appointments that are not wrong in and of themselves! But they are not life itself....They are not satisfaction itself. My heart shriveled more each day....parched and dehydrated since I have not been drinking in deep satisfaction of you, Jesus....Yes, I've been studying your word. Yes, I've been praying....Yes..I've been reading devotionals and fellowshipping with brothers and sisters in Christ. Yes, I've been serving.... But something was missing, or more likely...lacking in emphasis. A deeper disconnect that needed to be brought out and addressed. In your merciful love you went before me to set up roadblocks to "hem me in" so that my wandering heart would return to graze in your lush, green pastures rather than the briar patch where I planted myself munching thistles and brambles....Sometimes in your grace you allow us to get thirsty so we will pant after you with great thirst. I am coming to you JESUS with a mighty thirst! O Lord God! Satisfy the deepest parts in me with your very self!

You have not disappointed my soul's cry, Lord God. Like a wise surgeon or a tender gardener, you have rooted out stubborn, long held sins that did not initially want to yield to your probing. I am grateful beyond words for your persistent wisdom to do what's best for my life and not always what's comfortable....You are a holy God and cannot abide sin....yet, you know what I am made of and your hands work the scalpel/spade with great love and discernment.

You broke up my fallow ground by using various people...they alone deserve no "credit" and would want none. They were only obeying you and sharing as you led them to share....What's remarkable is that you lovingly orchestrated all the parts in various ways that mean so much to me and yet others would not conclude the magnitude of the meaning in such an unremarkable way....

I was a busy, self centered, self-glorying , wanting to love Jesus Christ with all my heart, but unengaged at a deeper heart level, Christ follower. I don't mean that I lived in total hypocrisy as a Christian....but I had/have ongoing levels of hypocrisy in my life because I do not see all the sin there is to see about myself all at once. It would overwhelm me! Jesus in His mercy peels away layers as I am willing for Him to work and deal with my deceitful heart. It's hard to give up long held beliefs I've held about myself. Especially since I see that my sin problem stems from the ongoing battle that I love myself so much! I am the biggest threat to Jesus' throne and glory! How ashamed I am to admit that, and yet, relieved to finally know that I am NOT beyond Jesus' scope of power, love and grace to be healed and renewed.

So what lies was I swallowing and how did Jesus get me to see?

He used my son, Tommy....He used Pastors Tim and Mark at Mars Hill Church in Seattle...He used C.S. Lewis, and another author, Oswald Chambers...and with a small finishing touch, Jesus used my bottle of "Pledge" furniture polish....(go ahead and laugh....but it was the icing on the cake....)

It was several weeks back that I felt cracklings in my soul that sounded like dry rustling leaves....the deep places in my heart sounded like twigs snapping under foot! I was perplexed and uneasy, but didn't know of any "known" sin....I asked Jesus to show me what there was to see...With Easter approaching, I felt like my heart ground needed to be turned over and readied for new spring planting! (I grew up with a gardener dad!)

I attend Lifepointe Church in Snoqualmie, WA....Our youth group decided to go to Mars Hill on a Sunday night in March. Since I disciple girls in our high school group, I went along. I have attended Sunday night services at Mars Hill numerous times over the last 3-4 years. My two college age kids have gone there as well as to our home church. We love Mars! On this particular night, Pastor Mark was gone and Pastor Tim, a worship pastor, was preaching in his absence. Tim's sermon that night was entitled "The Glory of GOD"....this was the beginning of what the Lord was to do.

I took notes from Tim's sermon...so much good stuff...so much good scripture and teaching. But what I was struck by was Jesus gently drilling into my heart that I greatly live for my own glory masked as Jesus' glory....Man's glory fades and is finite, Tim said. I heartily agree , and yet I try to cling to it! I try to promote it and feast on it and entertain it and yes, I groom it until it really is an idol. Romans 1:21-23...

"Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and retiles...."

My NLT bible has a side bar note that asks this question: "Idolators worship the things God made rather than God himself....is there any priority greater than God? " In a truthful answer I said,..."ME!" Through- out Tim's message he exhorted us to allow Jesus' probing glance to fall on that question....what or who do I worship rather than Jesus? What do I exchange God's glory for in my life? He listed off many possibilities that I am guilty of....relationships, my reputation, retirement income, man's approval....the list went on....but it all came down to one ongoing common denominator: me/self.

He continued to challenge me....my response to Jesus in all circumstances...good, bad...easy or difficult....will show where I place my trust and whose glory I seek.....More times than not I am grieved to admit I have sought my own glory instead of Jesus'. It may be in ways like continually complaining of trials, difficulties or grievances instead of going to Jesus and dealing with my heart first....I have made it in one way or another, "ALL ABOUT ME" instead of all about JESUS! I have stolen His GLORY and HIS CROWN! If I respond to life and all that happens from a place of wanting to GLORIFY Jesus, I don't have to deny or pretend that life doesn't hurt and sin happens, but I can find joy and peace and real satisfaction in spite of circumstances....because my focus and heart's desire will be to know and love deeply the LIVING JESUS! I will find my satisfaction in Him....not in myself or man or the things of man.

I was so greatly loved on by Jesus that night through Pastor Tim! I was convicted and brought to my knees so that I started to notice the dry parched leaves I was milling about in! Thank you Pastor Tim....you were the first....

Next....the following all happened within about a week following....After Pastor Tim's challenge I asked Jesus to show me where I was practically living for my own glory rather than His....He started to show me in ways that wounded "ME" so very deeply that I almost flat out ran from Jesus!

My heart has been very concerned/consumed with the political climate in our country....I am not at peace with the views and decisions Pres. Obama /Congress currently are making for our country. I get various conservative updates that keep me abreast of what's going on in our country and how to pray. I do actually pray, but now I see that my heart is more often "tainted" as I pray....my anger at our leaders' view of Jesus and God's word for truth is understandable, but I think Jesus wants me to see that my "righteous anger" (and this fits into the idea of me being about my own purposes....seeking my glory instead of Jesus') doesn't increase the power velocity of my prayers! My heart is instead focused on my "right" to be outraged or indignant....MY SIN ..it hinders. My son Tommy challenged me , too, on this saying that our first priority is Jesus....not politics....While I KNOW that....my heart was all about me, my indignation, my right to vindicate Jesus' reputation to the world ...so very subtle that it took my college age son to call me on the carpet....Mom, you're missing Jesus! Point made..God's glory ( His purposes...to love and reach the lost....to know and worship Him!) were getting lost in a fury of my "NEED" to voice MY outrage, be angry over "SIN".....all so subtle....MY AGENDGA...it's all about ME and WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT! AND, like salt in a wound, I don't really think my prayers for our leaders have been too effective....

Next....same son.....different scene....after church on Sunday I took Tom back to UW campus and we ate at a local Greek restaurant....great food, lousy service....Because of the poor service I mentioned I didn't want to leave a "good" tip....I got another calling on the carpet by same son....suffice it to say, Tom's words echoed Pastor Mark's sermon from an earlier "Trial" sermon about why we should be generous tippers.....I was convicted that I am here not to prove primarily that a "good work ethic" is important, but that Jesus' main focus and HIS GLORY are HIS PURPOSES which involve lifting Jesus up and pointing others to HIM. Jesus draws men to HIMSELF, but HE's made it very clear that we are to point everyone to HIM not just with our words, but with our actions and reactions and attitudes....and tipping is one clear, practical life event that can point others to Jesus....HIS GLORY AGAIN versus mine....Is this clear? I have been so very dense and self consumed....

I needed more....on the heels of that sermon ( I needed to repent first of self pity for having been called on the carpet in one day by college age son multiple times! I did business with Jesus and then asked son's forgiveness..:) I went to listen to Pastor Marks' sermon on "Submission to Ungodly Authority" 1 Peter 2:18-25.....Prior to this I had been asking Jesus to SHOW me how I was to seek His GLORY and love and pray for and serve leaders that I believe can be ungodly..... Pastor Mark....I needed those words you spoke about Jesus and his crucifixion.....it brought me further to my heart knees in conviction, true heart worship of Jesus and an outpouring of thankfulness for what JESUS ENDURED BECAUSE OF MY SIN! My heart was so blessed and touched by JESUS' love for HIS FATHER and PURSUING HIS FATHER'S PURPOSES AND GLORY, and for loving me so much....I didn't have to pay for the crime I committed against JESUS....

I also found a verse to take home to the bank....when I am genuinely stressed and wounded about the sin that occurs against me, others or against JESUS in the world.....I can fall on 1 Peter 2: 23b..."He left his case in the hands of God who always judges fairly..." Your version used "entrusted" and I like that even better! I can "trust" Jesus with the wounds and pain and injustices that happen because HE IS TRUSTWORTHY! and a good GOD! HE will take care of it as HE SEES FIT FOR HIS GLORY! There is tremendous peace in that....:)

Lastly (I KNOW THIS IS LONG! Thanks for hanging in there to read this!) Jesus got to the source of the problem for why I got into a dry state in the first place....
I had been reading the "Tales of Narnia" by C.S. Lewis before bed....I was touched again and again by the Lion's bearing with the children.....so regal, yet a tad wild and untamable....potentially frightening, yet endearing and beckoning to them always. His eyes...so penetrating....His eyes were firmly rooted to HIS HEART so that the children SEEMED TO SEE THEIR OWN HEARTS MORE CLEARLY as they looked into his eyes. HIS OUTPOURING OF LOVE....came through His eyes from His Heart....it held and comforted and drew the children to Him....in spite of themselves....:)

That was the backdrop for my heart....I picked up a devotional I read...."My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers.... March 12th (today) and was so blown away by the love of our most magnificent Savior! I don't want to drive you nuts by how long this letter is...BLESS YOU for reading this far....but I don't know if you have this book....it's a good one!

Mark 10:28..."Peter began to say to Him, 'See, we have left all and followed You'"..
Our Lord replies to this statement of Peter by saying that this surrender is "for MY SAKE and the GOSPEL'S" (Mark 10:29)...IT WAS NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF WHAT THE DISCIPLES THEMSELVES WOULD GET OUT OF IT!......(I'm skipping some of the devotional...pardon me!)
"Beware of surrender that is motivated by personal benefits that may result.....Our motive for surrender should not be for any personal gain at all. We have become so self-centered that we go to God only for something from HIM , and NOT FOR GOD HIMSELF!...GENUINE total surrender is a personal sovereign preference for JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF!"

Jesus hit the proverbial nail.....ultimately my dryness, staleness....emotional deep disconnect is attributed to me wanting to worship what Jesus can do in my life....make it better, fix me, heal me, change me (these are not wrong and He desires to do this in my life, but again it is MY PURPOSES AND HENCEFORTH MY GLORY!)

BUT! Ultimately....even our knowing Him and walking with Him must be first and foremost always be rooted in lifting Him up, falling more in love with JESUS and His GLORY and HIS PRUPOSES....so that ALL MY FULFILLMENT AND SATISFACTION are about Him and only Him....He IS WORTHY of all PRAISE and adoration.....Heaven knows it constantly and we humans NEED to be reminded to keep looking and yearning for this consuming passion of knowing, really knowing, JESUS CHRIST!

It really does come down to just one thing...Jesus' glory or my own self absorbed glory...WORSHIPPING HIM OR ME?

I have been so lovingly slain in my spirit these last few weeks....culminating in today....I have never felt so loved and pursued by Jesus.

Thank you Jesus for working in these various ones....for your GLORY and for my peace and exhortation resulting in life!

Bless you for having been used by Jesus to convict and encourage this sinner saved by grace!

HAPPY EASTER!
Blessings,
Mary Kaye Abbott
425-831-6775
theabbotts1@hotmail.com